So I haven't been posting much lately because I've been so physically and mentally exhausted. I had a pretty bad mommy breakdown the other day because RJ screamed through the entire bedtime routine. I just couldn't believe I was trying so hard and failing so miserably. So after the meltdown (his AND mine) Rob Sr. and I started hardcore on the toddler research and decided to try a bunch of strategies to deal with his tantrums. He was completely unresponsive to being given choices or getting to do things by himself instead of us forcing him to do them. But when we started acknowledging his emotions, he finally started to respond! For instance, we wanted him to put on his shirt and he didn't want to. When we offered him a choice between two shirts, he pushed them both away and wailed-- he didn't care which shirt, he just didn't want a shirt. When we challenged him to put the shirt on by himself, he turned away and wailed-- again, he just did not want a shirt on! Finally, I said "RJ! You don't WANT your shirt! You don't like shirts! Shirts are yucky!" He started to calm down, and I continued: "You don't WANT a shirt! No shirt! No shirt!" He started to soften and he let me put his shirt on as I continued: "I know you don't LIKE your shirt, you don't want it, but we need to put a shirt on if we want to go downstairs and play! Do you want to go downstairs and play?"
So, after all that, we're realizing that RJ just wants us to acknowledge his emotions. I think that most of his tantrum comes from the frustration that we don't understand how he feels, and possibly that we just don't care how he feels, we're just forcing him to do whatever WE want him to do. So when we acknowledge and identify his emotions, I think he starts to trust that we DO know how he feels, and more importantly, that we CARE how he feels. So far this has been able to calm him down enough to at least move on to the next step.
Just two days ago, I dreaded spending time with him because I knew exactly which tantrums were coming, and when. And they were getting worse and worse. But now that we've been implementing this strategy (it's a modified version of the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" toddler-ese and fast-food-rule strategies-- the only thing we DON'T do is yell and stamp when he's mad because it scares him) I actually look forward to seeing him because I'm hoping to try the strategy again and see if it works.
Oh, and the other strategy we've been using is that when he's whining for something that we won't give him and he continues to whine, we walk away from him and ignore him. We identify his emotions, we explain to him why he can't have what he wants, and if he's still throwing a fit, we walk away. The one time we've tried this so far he calmed down and accepted our compromise (he wanted to watch Snoopy downstairs, so we left him wailing down there and turned on Snoopy upstairs... after he calmed down we brought him up and he very happily watched Snoopy upstairs). Fingers crossed that this ignore tactic continues to work. We figure this is what happens at school-- no way the teachers can accommodate all the wants of all the kids all the time, so the kids probably just deal with not getting what they want a lot better than at home when two parents are giving them whatever they want.
In terms of time-outs, we're only using those when he does something to hurt someone else or dangerous. He's so good on that front-- no biting, hitting, scratching, spitting, etc. and when we tell him not to touch something, he's pretty good about not touching it. Except the Christmas tree. We gotta take that thing down because he LOVES to touch the ornaments.
The other revelation is concerning lollipops-- he's been asking for them, so we cut a drink stirrer in half and stuck a gummy fruit snack on the end, and that's our lollipop! We only give it to him if he's pooped in the potty, he finishes it quickly, and it's less total sugar than an actual lollipop. And less stickiness. Win!
